Eliminate the Biggest Holiday Stressor of All

I would bet that every day until Christmas you will find a list or blog post about ways to reduce holiday stress.  I just re-tweeted two today on twitter.  I would just share someone else’s thoughts because it is all being covered in one or the other article.  But, then as I sat here pondering the holidays and thinking

• Are the holidays stressful for me?  Why?
• What do other people tell me causes them stress?

I came up with what I think is the cause of most of the stress, outside of money issues of course.  And I don’t think I have seen it in other posts or top 10 lists, so I thought I would share it.  Are you ready?

I think the biggest stressor that comes during holiday time is “NOT DECIDING”!

We are asked when we want to come to Thanksgiving with the in-laws.  I’m not sure.  If we go on Wednesday, I will be stressed and not ready for turkey day at my house.  If we go Friday I won’t be able to hit the stores and get all of those great prices.  The Christmas tree is delivered Saturday….but we are going to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, so why not just decide?

It would be nice to have a Christmas party for our bible study group.  When should we have it?  Do you think people will come on a weekend?  They probably already have plans.  If I just send out some dates now, it is still early enough.  What if I send out a date and we get invited somewhere that we really need to go to…..

I saw this wonderful gadget on the internet.  It is the perfect price for a holiday gift and I think it is something all of my nieces and nephews would like.  It is before Thanksgiving though.  What if it goes on sale in a week?  What if one of them already has it?  How will I pick a color for each…?

The Pile Up

And, the decisions continue to pile up one on top of the other.  It is a day later…two days..going on a week.  These decisions stay like a dull throbbing in the back of your mind.  You start to resent people involved for putting you in this situation.  You begin to snap with the kids when they ask to do yet one more thing…or for one more gift…. You ask everyone’s opinion about which you should do..

Why Don’t We Just Decide?

The funny thing is that if we would just decide much of the stress and worry would immediately go away.  As a matter of fact, much of it wouldn’t come to begin with as you would avoid the PILE UP. 

If a new invitation comes up that would be a more attractive option you have the choice of a.) graciously declining for good reason – you all already have plans.  b) fitting in one more thing if you can swing it.

If a better gift idea arises you can a.) return the first one if you just have to have it b.) save the idea for next year c.) or just be glad you have already taken care of that gift and you don’t have to decide between them.

Boundaries

There is always much talk about setting boundaries, sticking to spending limits, only committing to a few meaningful things to do during the season.  Boundaries can be very helpful as it provides structure for decisionmaking.  Yet for some, boundaries make it even more difficult to decide.  Since our options are limited, we want to really be sure it is the best decision.  The whole boundary solution blows up in our face because we are now wound tight as a spring.

Take it as it Comes

My recommendation is to take things as they come.  If it is something that you know you are going to do:

• Like go to the in-laws
• Buy your staff a gift
• Serve and help the needy

then just make a decision as it comes!  You know it isn’t going to go away and time and more options only serve to complicate the situation and cause MORE STRESS.

If you have to make a decision to choose between two good things, then just decide quickly.  Building up the stress will only result in the grumpiness and impulse decision-making and many times lead to resentment and overall dissatisfaction once the decision is made.

My Recommendation to Myself

This holiday season I am going to take away my highest stressor – INDECISION.  I prayed first for God to help me make wise decisions this holiday season and to keep integrity in my decisions and committments.  Now the plans are moving forward.  I know I am going to my in-laws on Friday.  Yay, a great meal I don’t have to cook and relaxing time with my family.  Yes that means I can only shop from like 3 am till noon on Friday.  (a blessing in disguise!)  I have already purchased that niece and nephew gift and they were delivered straight to my door thanks to internet shopping.  I have decided and communicated the events and get togethers that I am hosting.  Now I have no choice but to just fill in around it.

Hopefully, this will be a much more relaxing holiday season.  Plus, my husband will be so happy as he can’t stand the self-inflicted stress of me dragging out decisions for both him and me.  Maybe he will reward me with a massage.  Heck, since I am making the decisions here, I will just decide and schedule that massage!

What are your biggest holiday decisions and does procrastinating the decision hurt or help?

Life by Design

I am working on updating my Life by Design coaching program and was reminded about the changes I have made in my own life.  Man, looking back I am so thankful.  If you read my post A Kingdom View of Work/Life Balance or Midlife Crisis? Depression?  Maybe you are just Bored? you can tell this topic is heavy on my heart this month.  I hear from many people that are not exactly sure where God wants them right now.  I so want to encourage you!  My journey to God’s path was such a major detour from the path I was on that my story will definitely give you hope!.  In reviewing how God moved me I remember I had to start with a blank slate.  This was the thought process from my article Life by Design:

If you could start all over what would your life look like today?  (Of course you have to work with main components – like your spouse and kids have to stay!)  Would you be in the job you are in?  Would it even be in the same field?  Would you have your kids in 3 different activities each that you needed to be in 6 or 9 different places every week?  Where would church rank in importance?  Friends?  Are you having any fun?  This is the time to start laying out your life.  The one you want to live.   DON’T LIMIT YOURSELF YET WITH BARRIERS.  Most barriers are self-imposed and there are ways around them.  I said “most,” not “all.”  But at this stage try not to limit yourself.  If I can go from a Corporate VP to a Christian Counselor, believe me, a lot of barriers can be knocked down.

I firmly believe that God has a plan for each of us.  The first step to learning what it is for this season is to SEEK.  This may give you a good place to start.  Also, I plan to do the Life by Design Course soon – Monday nights starting in January 2010!  Hopefully a great way to begin the new year!  If you are interested, let me know or stay tuned.  I will post it here!

Midlife Crisis? Depression? Maybe You’re Just Bored!

Have you ever known a person who was never satisfied with where they were in life?  The person who kept changing jobs or houses or spouses?  The person who would get really excited at the project du jour but the next time you saw them the glimmer was gone.  Have you ever been that person?  I have heard and used every excuse in the book.  Do any of these sound familiar:

• I think my ADD is kicking in. 
• It must be my entrepreneurial spirit.
• I guess I am just a “starter” not a “maintainer”.
• Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis.
• I am depressed.  I need a change, something to pull me out of it.

Some of us may have ADD, depression or be going through a mid-life crisis.  Others could be entrepreneurs who go around starting things.  But maybe, just maybe, you are like me and sometimes just get BORED.  I have tried most of the excuses above, but, when I spend quiet time with God the loud message I keep hearing is “YOU ARE BORED”!

I can’t believe I am going to share this but here is a recent entry to my journal.  I journal everything to God so that is why it sounds a bit interactive.

Journal Entry 10/18/09

I know I haven’t written in a few days Lord.  Quite honestly I feel like a broken record.  I don’t want to make you endure my rambling when I am even sick of myself.  If I told you how I “really” feel, it would be how I always feel lately.  I know I seem to lack gratefulness and appreciation for all of the blessings you provide.  It is such a re-occurring theme Lord, but if I try to pinpoint the underlying core issue, it isn’t substantial.  The core issue is that I get “bored”.  When I get bored I feel mildly depressed and discontent.   The solution that has worked in the past is to make major life changes.  But You don’t always call me to change.  Sometimes I have felt you were calling, but this time I really don’t feel that.  I feel as if I am supposed to “bloom where I am planted” now.  I believe firmly I am doing the work You are calling me to.  I believe my family is where You want us. 

When I look for an underlying issue I am left with the lack of the desired adrenaline rush that happens when major change occurs. It  provides a placebo effect of feeling more alive.

This is truly how I began my writing to God just a week or so ago.  I have seen many other people cause chaos in their life because of this affliction.  This time instead of having the kids plan house hunting expeditions I decided to try something different.  I tried to do what I would tell someone else to do!

Move Towards God

When I don’t know what to do I know that it is really important to move towards Jesus.  Our tendency is to self-medicate or take control which almost always leads us away from God.  For me, to move closer to God is to:

• Start back regular morning journaling to Him.
• Read the bible consistently and listen to sermons.
• Pray constantly during the day asking the Lord to guide me and be with me in everything I do.
• Purposefully stay as focused as I can on drawing closer to God.

It is easy to take control of our circumstances and start taking action in our own strength.  If we are not going to God first our efforts are usually fruitless or harmful.  This time I wanted to skip the mistakes.

Stay Ahead of Depression

If you have ever been depressed you know it is like a black hole.  It pulls you down so far that you can’t even see the light.  Whenever I feel even a little bit down I begin my process of Outrunning Depression .  This time I tried to combine my efforts to keep depression at bay with my desire to move towards God.  There are two main steps I focused on in the last couple of weeks:

1. Getting out and doing things even if I didn’t feel like it.  If it was up to me sometimes I could just sit around with my two puppies and read or write all day long.  But if I am feeling down I know it is better to get out and be around people.  I decided to find a bible study I wasn’t leading to participate in.  I would meet new people, learn more about God, and get out and about.  I found a great group and it has really been a blessing to me.
2. Volunteering or offering service to others.  This is always better than the monotonous focus on self!  The best thing to help me forget about “me” is to look around and see what needs to be done in the world around me.  So I just started offering to serve in small ways.  CAUTION:  If you overdo it and overcommit you will soon become overwhelmed!  Remember you are in a tender state of mind to begin with.

There are many healthy ways to outrun depression and if you think it is getting too close, find a counselor.  Counselors can help you fend off depression if it hasn’t set its’ deep talons in you.   If you wait until it has a stronghold on you then the depression may require a lot more counseling and possibly medicine.

Do Everything for God’s Glory

Do you have kids?  Are you married?  Do you have a career?  I believe God has a plan for each of us.  And I know that his plans rarely coincide with my timeline.  (It is my clock that is off, not His perfect timing.) I learned several years back that there are different seasons in our life and that I can’t find work/life balance by trying to do everything all in the same season.  I just wrote about this in the blog post A Kingdom View of Work/Life Balance, so I won’t revisit it here.  However, if you are bored or you’re not sure exactly what God wants you to do, then go ahead and bloom where you are planted.  Approach your relationships and responsibilities in a way that glorifies God today.  I embraced all of what God has blessed me with during this season and have begun to feel the peace.  I know that this peace is the grace and mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

For now I am good!  I feel at peace and very engaged.  God is ever faithful to meet us where we are!

A Kingdom View of Work/Life Balance

The term work/life balance has been tossed around for the past three decades as a bar to exceed in order to achieve true “happiness” and “success’’.  If you google work/life balance you get over 50 million results…really!  Can you imagine the variation of definitions we could find?  However, I think many of us translate work/life balance into “doing it all”.  We strive to be great at our jobs, wonderful spouses, and doting parents while we are providing service to our community, growing spiritually and staying physically fit.  Phew!!

I used to log 60+ hours in the corporate world consistently.  I had a career that was successfully growing by both the world’s and my standards.  Then I began to read that to stay competitive in the business world you must continue your education and/or professional development.  Oh, and by the way, I was getting close to 30 so my biological clock was ticking.  At one point I was working my 60+ hours, finishing up my MBA and weeks away from delivering my first child.  Technically I was balanced.  I was getting it all done and probably because of my foolish youth still enjoying life. 

With this strategy I was not considering the cumulative factor.  Soon, I was promoted to more responsibility and giving birth to twins.  But my 2 year old daughter was still a factor and my husband and the bigger house…. Now to have work/life balance I look like a clown trying to juggle or keep all of the plates spinning.  Ultimately, it’s an illusion, and I began to feel that I was unsuccessful because I couldn’t achieve a completely balanced equation. 

The Storybook Life

There are quite a few people in addition to myself who would like:

• A satisfying, well-compensated, and upwardly mobile career.
• To have a wonderful, intimate and growing marriage.
• To be parents to 2-3 children.
• A beautiful, roomy house that the family can grow in.
• To actively serve and worship in an incredibly spirit-filled church.
• To be a part of a group of friends or small group that is living life together.

(Not everyone wants this, but there are quite a few who may paint this picture.)

A Kingdom View

What I would like to suggest is a different perspective all together.  This was the perspective that saved me.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

I have listened to many sermons on these verses and the rest of this chapter in Ecclesiastes.  Since coming to Christ, I believe now that life is eternal.  God planned for us to be drawn to many desires in life of which as I have described above, I am.  But, in my twenties, and well into my thirties, I had a limit on time and a narrow definition of success.  I didn’t attempt to distinguish what success looked like to God vs. “the world” I was living in.  If time was as limited as we see it then God needs to get busy perfecting us and not take a lifetime of experiences, struggles, victories, joys, jobs, and relationships to accomplish His mission. 

God’s Path is Perfect

A balanced life to me now is to follow God’s path for me and during my earthly time:

• Utilize my gifts and talents to glorify God and grow his Kingdom.
• Love God and Others.
• Become one with my spouse and exemplify God’s plan for marriage.
• Be good stewards of the children God blesses us with.
• Give back and serve the Lord through a local church, mission, etc.
• Learn and grow intellectual, spiritually and relationally.

Can all of this occur simultaneously?  It can, but it doesn’t have to.  And without the confines of my prior life’s definitions many of these areas begin to overlap and can miraculously happen as we follow God’s will for our life.

During the past decade I know that “my season” is as wife and mother.  So I did quit the corporate world and the 60+ hours. Instead God blessed me with a new career in the counseling and coaching arena where I can serve Him, use my gifts and talents He gave me, and have time to focus on the current season of “FAMILY” that I am in today.  Now with my daughter turning 16, I am starting to see the leaves change.  She wants to be more independent and it actually frustrates her to have a Mom sitting home worrying about her.  My twins are 14 and as my husband said only last week “We don’t need to arrange Bozo the Clown for their Birthday Party.”  Soon enough the season will change and hopefully I can gracefully transition to the next “activity under heaven” that will be a piece of the tapestry of a well-balanced life.

Are you still struggling to keep all of the plates spinning?  Are you willing to follow God’s plan and “bloom where your planted” for this season of your life?

Influence Begins Inside of Our Self

The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop who lived in the eleventh century:

When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.  As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.  But it, too, seemed immovable.  As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.  And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized:  If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family.  From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.

This similar to the verses in Matthew 7:3-5:

³“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

I think self reflection and self awareness are two main components that we need to address before we can make any impact.  What do you think?  I would love to hear your views.

God, I Know You Are There But I Can’t Feel You!

I think one of the most frustrating experiences in a person’s pursuit of God would be never feeling His presence.  I meet people often who are quite educated about the bible and theology.  They verbally communicate a longing to feel His presence.  They hear from others of God’s leading or the Holy Spirit’s tangible presence in people’s life.  But they just don’t feel it.

How do you trust God?  How do I really know He is there if I never feel, hear or see Him?  I believe in God.  I know who He is.  I just never have an emotional connection.  I never know what He wants me to do.  He doesn’t talk to me.  It doesn’t seem fair.  I have prayed, begged, cried for Him to reveal Himself in a more personal way to me.

I wish this could be one of those “how to” posts that gave three easy steps to achieving a life changing personal exchange with the God of the Universe. Unfortunately,  I don’t have the step by step process.  But, I did have a thought or two about how I was able to break down the intellectual, protective walls that kept me from God for 36 years.  I think for me, as most people, life was hard.  I had many people who had let me down at impressionable moments in my life.  It appeared that things became better when I “achieved”.  And over time, my expectation of peace was more often realized when I was in control, independent, and constantly moving forward.  That seemed to work for quite some time and was such a positive rebound from the dependent, disappointed adolescent years.

I think of life in our own strength as cumulative.  We are not made new again each day when we are operating independently.  After years of accumulating disappointment, hurt, and sometimes even betrayal, the wall built up around our hearts gets very high and extremely heavy.  We are so habitual in our independence and personal control we don’t even remember what it would look or feel like to have someone else to lean on.  Someone to love us unconditionally.  We keep moving so we can shake off the feeling of heaviness and weariness from combating life alone. 

If we are in this place when we seek God, I think this wall keeps us from completely turning our life over to Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  Intellectually we know we need a Savior.  We salivate for the promises of an intimate relationship with our Father in Heaven.  Yet, we don’t feel it.  It seems out of reach to us.

For me the burden of the “cumulative life” became too great and I crashed.  I couldn’t maintain control.  I couldn’t move fast enough to continue the façade.  When I turned to God I was broken of the illusion that I could provide my own sense of peace by staying on top of things.  I guess when I crashed, the wall of self-dependence crumbled too.  In that broken state, God was able to reach my heart, not just my head.  I don’t know if it was my daughter’s alopecia that I was powerless against, or realizing my career was not eternal, but I came to a halting conclusion that control was an illusion.  And it seems like the stronghold that this world had on me was broken. 

I turned to God, and as promised, He picked me up and put me on His path for my life.  He healed my heart.  He showed me in the most blatant ways that He could work in my life in ways that defied my understanding of who I was and what was important.   If I hadn’t crashed, I believe I would have still found God.   But I don’t know if that protective wall of independence would have kept me on my own path.  If I would have missed out on God’s perfect plan.  I don’t know if I would have allowed myself to feel His presence and succumbed to His control.  Even now I sometime shift back to my own will and I try to make what I want happen in my life.  And like clockwork at those moments I don’t feel God working through me.  I don’t feel His peace.  And although I still go through the motions of praying and telling Him I want to do His will, He can tell the difference.  I may fool myself for a little while, but He seems to know I am not really His in my heart at that time.  Fortunately, when I feel His absence, I snap to my senses and start to let go again.  He is always standing by and waiting.  He wants to be the Lord of my life and as soon as I remember the burden of life in my own strength, He moves right back in to place. 

I don’t think everyone needs to crash in order to realize that their wall is still there.  I just think there is a propensity of human arrogance or what we believe is self-protection for people to try to control their world.  And I believe this “control” is what keeps our relationship with our Savior at arm’s length.

The School’s Involvement in our Children’s Emotional Stability: A 16 year old’s Perspective

I received an email from my daughter’s new High School counselor.  She is new to the school and she wanted to introduce herself to the parents and was requesting that parents fill out a brief online survey.  She said “This year a decision was made to improve how our student’s emotional needs are met.”  Then I opened the survey and it was asking if the school needed to address issues of cutting, depression, eating disorders, divorce, anxiety, and other severe emotional issues.  I have to say my first reaction was for the school to focus on academics and leave these issues to the parents.  The entire bent of the email was the terrible time teenagers are facing and that it required us to hire someone with extensive experience with “at risk” teens to deal with our high school. 

My reaction: Let’s not address these issues to the entire student body because I don’t want to give kids that do not have these issues any ideas. 

It feels like at times we focus more attention on labeling our kids growing pains and creating pathology in them rather than holding up a Christ-like leadership example for them to grow into.  These opinions sanctioned the way for my 16 year old (who is in her first psychology class I might add) to explain to me the real situation.  Here were the main points:

• “First of all, everyone in high school already knows about all of these things i.e. cutting, depression, etc.  Hearing it from the school is not going to give anyone ideas.  If it isn’t an issue, the kids will just ignore it like half the other stuff the school talks about.”
• “There ARE an abundance of kids who are right here in our school who do struggle with these things and they don’t have parents at home who notice or are around to find out.”
• “Kids are not going to go and ask to talk to the school counselor on their own.  They just don’t think that way.”
• “Mom, your kids may not need this but others do and I know people I go to school with right now who have received help because a teacher brought issues to the attention of the counselor.”

After talking to my daughter, I deleted the email I was going to send to the school.  I guess it is easy to forget that today there are more kids with significant challenges and that may truly be “at risk” even in our local schools.  Families are breaking up at every economic level.  And, in most cases, kids don’t have both parents, much less grandparents, and aunts and uncles involved in their lives.

I wish we did not need to have the schools take such an active role in the emotional stability of our children.  If you have kids, I hope this opens your eyes as it did mine.  We need to be engaged in our children’s lives, we need to provide them with a stable environment, and they need to know they can talk to us.  But, just as important, we need to be the other adult who cares about our nieces and nephews, our kid’s friends, and the children in our church community.  I appreciate that my children’s school wants to help, but I think it is difficult for the school to achieve excellence in academics, provide a Christian leadership example and now take an active role in our children’s emotional stability.  [Note: that I did not state “emotional development”, rather “emotional stability”.  School is a natural part of our kid’s “emotional development”.   The email I received from this private Christian school was a need to take a more active role in the student’s emotional stability.  The issues of drug use, self injury, and parental discord (to name a couple) are not developmental issues. 

As my daughter pointed out, I as one voice cannot change the needs of an entire student body of children; however, I want to challenge my community.  God has given us stewardship over these kids.  Maybe together we can make an impact in our community!

“Parenting by the Book” Changed my Parenting Paradigm

I am excited our church is offering the Parenting by the Book series with John Rosemond again this Fall.  I thought I would share with you my take and what you can expect from the series.  We would love for you to participate even if you are not a member at River Community Church.  It is open to ALL parents!

If you are a parent I know you struggle at times like I do with what is best for your children.  I felt like I received some key benefits personally from this study and learned alot that as a counselor I can pass on to other parents.  There are so many diverse views about parenting that it is hard to know what to recommend.  However, when I read Parenting by the Book I was changed.  I was reading a biblical view on childrearing and for me, if it is in scripture, I can be confident that it is a timeless truth.  I loved the book and how John Rosemond directly handles the topic of how we as parents in this century have really become confused.  As a mother of three, I know I was at a minimum “not consistent”.

To keep from rewriting the book, here is a list of:

What you can expect –

1. Direct, nothing held back communication from John Rosemond.  I think his style, although very direct, simplifies the concepts and helps us cut through the clutter to what is important for our children.
2. Understand how parent’s got where we are today.  Rosemond shows us how we went from pre-industrial parenting where “grandma” was able to manage raising ten kids to current times where it is all we can do to keep up with our two or three children where we try to ensure their self-esteem, development, and good behavior.
3. To see you in the examples and issues that face today’s parents.  I think my face was red the first half of the book seeing so many areas where I could improve.  By the second half of the book I felt confident that it wasn’t too late, I could start now.
4. To have your philosophies and beliefs challenged.  Dad’s really like the course, because although they don’t get away with their stuff, us Mom’s and especially people like me who are counselors too, get a big paradigm shift.
5. To be challenged to think about and define your goals for your children.  This was really great as my husband and I did this together, helping us to be more on the same page than ever before.
6. To learn what the bible says about parenting and the parent/child relationship.  All of the coddling and tiptoeing around disciplining our kids is NOT what the bible says.  It was comforting to know that structure and discipline are a benefit to our kids and the bible reinforces that this is “showing love” to our kids to hold them accountable.
7. To learn practical ways to re-define your parenting, regardless of the age of your children.  My kids are teenagers and this course helped me a lot.  I only wish it had been available when they were younger.
8. To share and discuss issues with other parents and find you are not alone.  The small groups are wonderful because no two families are the same, yet we have similar issues in parenting.  It was great to hear from people who had been there before, and it was fun helping those with younger kids navigate their age range.
9. It’s not too late and, the good thing is, it takes a change in you the parent!   We at least have control of that!

I didn’t want to reveal any of John Rosemond’s wisdom or great tips because I am hoping you can come to the series.  It begins on Sunday, September 20 from 4:30 – 6:00 pm.  We have free childcare at River Community Church which is only minutes from my house where the series is being hosted!  The only cost is $15.00 for each book – your spouse may want their own!  Just email me at sue@rivercommunity.org and I will get you signed up and send you directions to the house.  And if you can’t come, I still highly recommend that you and your spouse pick up a copy of John Rosemond’s Parenting by the Book and read it together!

Five Essentials to Help Your Kids Cope with Divorce.

I think everyone would agree that there is always a negative impact on our kids in the event of a divorce.  They really are not getting what they want or what they need.  However, it is naive to believe that separations and divorce will stop happening in our society overnight.  Facing reality is necessary if we are going to protect our children from the tragedy of “being in the middle”.  Worse than having your parents divorce is to be caught up in the middle of your parents failed relationship.

Five Important Things to do with your spouse to keep your kids best interest first:

1. Communicate with the children together.  Agree in advance what you will communicate and both parents participate in the communication and show support when the other is communicating.  It is so difficult for kids to see their parents fight, but it is even more damaging if they do not see a united front in this very important communication.  It isn’t fair for the kids to hear your side and then your spouses side and have to discern what is correct.  It is painful to hear that your parents are divorcing even if they are sharing the communication and being respectful of each other.  It is devastating when they see their parents fighting, blaming, and justifying.  You owe it to your children to tell them together why their parents are not going to stay together and to assure them that NO MATTER WHAT it isn’t because of them and that both of you love them tremendously.
2. Be as consistent as possible in following the custody and visitation orders.  Always be cooperative with your spouse about seeing the kids or working out shared custody.  Kids feel unstable when they are first faced with their parents separation.  It is very important for their lives to be as structured as possible.  They should no what to expect and it should happen as promised.  Trust is shaky at this time with your kids.  It is heartbreaking to them if you do not pick them up as agreed.  It may just be logistics to you, but to them terrible ideas like you don’t want them or don’t want to spend time with them occurs.  Now is a time to be as predictable and responsible as you can.  Make sure that these children know that even though their parents are not staying married they still have two parents that they can depend on and who love them.
3. Do not communicate to each other through the kids unless it is something benign like “Tell your Dad I packed an extra uniform for you.”  Communicating through your kids because you do not want to talk to your spouse is inappropriate.  It adds responsibility to the children for you and it puts them in a position to be directly in the middle. 
4. Continue to support your spouse in childrearing and discipline issues.  You are both still the parents.  It is difficult enough today raising kids and reminding them that you are the parents and that they are not in charge.  When the parents drop the united front the kids see opportunity to get what they want.  Unfortunately, they don’t always really know what they want and more rarely know what they need.  Although it may be subconscious, children will begin to use the divorce as a way to make you feel guilty and give in to their desires and demands.  You may feel guilty for getting divorced but don’t double the problem by letting them think that you and your spouse are not still solidly in charge of them.  Even if you don’t agree with your spouse, discuss it with him/her, not with your child.  Show the kids that you support the other parent.
5. Try to keep your emotions regarding the divorce in check as much as possible around your kids.  I am not suggesting to be celebrating.  That will offend them too.  But, again the kids are not responsible for taking care of you in your divorce.  Telling them you are sad and wished things were different is one thing, but, not being in control of your emotions around your kids brings them in the middle.  If they see you express uncontrolled anger they feel caught in the middle like they should be mad too.  Or guilty if they aren’t mad at what you are angry about.  If they see you sobbing out of control or depressed to the point of not functioning, they will want desperately to help you feel better and feel responsible if they can’t fix it.

I know some of you may be thinking,

• “but what if I am fine with all of these strategies but my spouse won’t cooperate?”
• “how can I control myself if I’m devastated myself?”

I know this is the case many times.  I suggest you get help with a Christian counselor.  All you can do is your part.  Try to get your spouse to go with you to a counselor to discuss how to tell the kids and how to work together to keep your kids as stable as possible.  It is hard to do it all right ourselves because we are emotional and too close to the situation.  If your spouse won’t come, then you should still get help.  You will need the encouragement and discernment of an unbiased person to help you maintain your end of being respectful, consistent and cooperative. 

I work with people all of the time in this situation and I really do know how hard it is, especially with an uncooperative spouse.  But your kids need it!  They are innocent and they are so important.  And, if your kids are stable it will also make it easier on you.  When everyone is out of control it is damaging all around.

I don’t want to leave this post without also reminding you to turn to God for strength, encouragement and help.  Seek God, pray, be obedient to His Word.  Remember and be thankful that he is a loving God, full of mercy and grace.  He is the best counselor of all!

God is our Ultimate Healer!

I just wanted to share with you two wonderful stories of how God heals. I won’t give specifics, but in the past few years I worked with two different individuals who were suffering with severe anxiety and depression. Through counseling and medication both of these people improved significantly, however, there was still a bit of trepidation in both that they were only managing their symptoms, not completely healed. I believe that both assessed their personal situation correctly. I learned a couple of things in my counseling education and through experience:
1.  Medicine helps manage the symptoms of depression and anxiety.  The goal is to use medication in order to improve enough to work on the core issue causing the symptoms or to work on improving independent coping skills in case a relapse of the symptoms occur.  If you only use medicine, and do not get counseling or work on steps to resolve the core issue, there is an approximate 80% relapse rate once you discontinue the medicine.  Medicine is only required as an ongoing treatment in infrequent situations where these conditions may be chronic.  Therefore you should be able to work on coping skills and problem resolution such that ongoing medication is not required.

2.  In many cases we can work on coping skills and/or blocking out our problems in order to improve our functioning.  In other words, we bury our problems so we can get back to a place where we can do the things we need to do to survive.  Things get better for awhile and then something triggers a relapse.  We then go through the cycle again.  We can feel better, but the situation/core issue is lying dormant within us.

In both of the cases mentioned above, the individuals had independent God experiences where they were totally healed.  They had been praying and praying for healing.  They had worked the medicine appropriately and diligently worked through the counseling process.  Both made significant progress and were able to progress in their life towards their personal goals.  However, they felt that there was still depression and anxiety dormant within them waiting to rear it’s ugly head at the most inopportune times.  This occured until God completely answered their prayers and delivered them from the oppression of depression and anxiety. 

I wanted to share these stories with you to provide anyone who struggles with depression or anxiety with a sense of HOPE.  God’s timing isn’t always our timing.  He doesn’t always move upon our first prayer or even in the way that we think He should.  But where modern medicine or counseling may fall short, God’s mighty healing hand may complete the process.  I became a Christian counselor because I didn’t know how to help people without relying on God and His healing.  These two individuals called me to share with me their stories of deliverance and how they know it is a gift from God.

So if you are still struggling with depression or anxiety my friends would advise from their personal experience to:

• keep taking the medication and/or counseling that professionals have advised.
• seek a closer relationship with God and follow His ways.
• keep praying even if it hasn’t worked so far.
• have hope in the knowledge that our God has the power to heal and the mercy to help us.

I want to add a disclaimer as some who read this may be receiving medication and treatments for a variety of different mental health issues.  Please continue with any treatment that your professional provider has advised.  This post is merely to encourage those who may be suffereing, that God is the ultimate healer and even if His timing hasn’t matched our desire, that we still have personal testimonies and God’s Word that we can still put our  HOPE in Him.